I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia. She leaned in and whispered, "They're right behind you."
I hurt my finger last week. On the other hand, I'm doing fine.
I never liked facial hair before... but it grew on me over time.
It's tough to top a hard-boiled egg for breakfast.
I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't make it on Tuesdays."
I suggested my wife do lunges to keep fit. It'd be a major stride forward.
I gave away all my dead batteries... at no cost.
A bike can't stand by itself... it's too tired.
The calendar's days are counted.
I don't trust steps. They're always plotting something.
Time zips like an arrow. Fruit flies prefer bananas.
I once played piano by ear... now I use my hands.
The best way to stop putting things off is to begin tomorrow.
When my boss asked who was dumb enough to doze off at work, I replied, "Me, but I was imagining getting promoted."
Have you heard about the kidnapping at school? Don't worry, he just woke up.
Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was the best in his field.
I told my computer I needed a break... now it keeps sending me Kit-Kat commercials.
My dad worked as a magician. He vanished into thin air.
I once fell for a baker. We kept it on a knead-to-know basis.
Can you believe it? I lost my job at the calendar factory just because I took a day off.
