I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I replied, "I can't make it on Tuesdays."
I suggested my wife do lunges to keep fit. It'd be a major stride forward.
I gave away all my dead batteries... at no cost.
A bike can't stand by itself... it's too tired.
The calendar's days are counted.
I don't trust steps. They're always plotting something.
Time zips like an arrow. Fruit flies prefer bananas.
I once played piano by ear... now I use my hands.
The best way to stop putting things off is to begin tomorrow.
When my boss asked who was dumb enough to doze off at work, I replied, "Me, but I was imagining getting promoted."
Have you heard about the kidnapping at school? Don't worry, he just woke up.
Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was the best in his field.
I told my computer I needed a break... now it keeps sending me Kit-Kat commercials.
My dad worked as a magician. He vanished into thin air.
I once fell for a baker. We kept it on a knead-to-know basis.
Can you believe it? I lost my job at the calendar factory just because I took a day off.
The elevator industry sure has its highs and lows.
I once dated an archaeologist, but she couldn't stop bringing up old stuff.
I used to have a soap addiction, but now I'm squeaky clean.
When that window crashed into the restaurant, it caused quite a commotion.
