Some folks get up and go for a run... I get up and eye the fridge.
My wife asked me to take her somewhere pricey... so I drove her to the gas station.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday? Forget it one time.
People say opposites pull together. That's why I'm stuck with my wife's annoying quirks.
Marriage resembles a card deck. At first, you just need two hearts and a diamond. Later, you search for a club and a spade.
Don't tie the knot for cash. You can get a loan cheaper.
My girlfriend told me to quit singing "Wonderwall." I replied maybe.
My memory has gotten so bad, it made me lose my job. I still have a job. I just can't recall where.
My boss said to have a good day... so I left work.
I broke the news to my suitcases: no vacation this year. Now I'm coping with emotional baggage.
Think no one cares if you're alive? Skip a few car payments and see what happens.
My shrink says I'm fixated on payback. We'll find out soon enough.
I'm working on a book about reverse psychology. Don't buy it, okay?
I asked the gym trainer to teach me the splits. He said, "How bendy are you?" I replied, "Tuesdays don't work for me."
My wife suggested I do lunges to keep fit. That'd be a big move in the right direction.
Some people spread joy wherever they go. Others do so whenever they leave.
I excel at doing multiple things at once. I can squander time, accomplish nothing, and put things off all together.
When you can't persuade them, puzzle them instead.
My wallet resembles an onion. I tear up when I open it.
I began with zero, and I've kept most of it intact.
