I’m on a seafood diet I see food and I eat it
My wallet is like an onion opening it makes me cry
If we shouldn’t eat at night why is there a light in the fridge
I’m not lazy I’m on energy-saving mode
I put the pro in procrastinate
I’m not arguing I’m just explaining why I’m right
Life is short smile while you still have teeth
I’m not clumsy the floor just hates me equally on all surfaces
If stress burned calories I’d be a supermodel
I whisper WTF to myself at least 20 times a day
My brain has too many tabs open
I’m not great at advice can I interest you in a sarcastic comment
Why fall in love when you can fall into pizza
I don’t need anger management I need people to stop annoying me
I may be wrong but I doubt it
I don’t trip I do random gravity checks
Common sense is like deodorant those who need it most never use it
I’m on a 30-day diet so far I’ve lost 15 days
My bed and I are perfect for each other but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up
I’m not short I’m concentrated awesome
If Monday had a face I would punch it
I’m not lazy I just rest before I get tired
My superpower is making food disappear
I don’t sweat I sparkle under pressure
I’m not late I’m just on my own time zone
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes
I don’t trip over things I do random chaos testing
If I won the award for laziness I’d send someone to pick it up for me
I’m multitasking I can listen ignore and forget at the same time
I can resist everything except temptation
